Bottle Vs. Boob

In full disclosure, this post may be a TMI post for some people.  I made myself a promise that when I wrote, I'd write things that were important to me even if they were an "over share" if you will.  Ok, enough of the disclaimer.

When I had Alex I had this grand design to Breastfeed her until she was 6 months old.  I've never really failed at anything I've put my mind to, and I'm used to getting what I want, so why would this be any different?  She came 2 days before Christmas and I was ready to nurse.  The first couple of days went well I thought.  She got the good stuff and then my milk came in and there were difficulties. In the first four days Alex lost 1 lb!  When my milk came in she wasn't eating, she wouldn't latch and we were both frustrated.  I went to the lactation specialist and she gave me a nipple shield.  That worked but Alex would not nurse without it.  The next 14 weeks were a bit of a struggle, but I hung through, telling myself not doing so would be failing.

My Beautiful Pre-Christmas baby

At around 3 months, she went through yet another growth spurt and I could not keep up.  Nursing, pumping nothing was enough, so I very reluctantly gave in and we started supplementing with formula.  The first time I cried.  I thought that I was a failure. I thought, why can't I do it, there are millions of women before me that have, why am I not enough.  My loving husband did his best to re-assure me and support me, but as a man, he doesn't understand that bond and emotion I was feeling.  Slowly over the next month we started introducing more and more formula into her diet, until she was 4 months old and getting 3 bottles of formula and nursing once a day, and getting a bottle of breast milk.  Although tough for me, she continues to thrive, be a healthy and ever so happy baby.

Love that drool milk face :)

Then she began to stop nursing.  She is a hungry little heifer when she eats and if it's not coming out fast she's not happy.  I began pumping and now she's only eating 1 bottle of breast milk a day and 3 of formula.  Now I've hit another crossroads.  My supply is hardly there anymore since I'm only pumping in the morning and night, and she's no longer nursing.  I looked at Mark tonight and said "Do you think we should wean her completely?" He said, "It's up to you, but at this point, like you said, she's pretty much already weaned." This is where I get emotional and feel bad.  I feel like if we go only to formula, once again, I've failed.  I've failed to meet my goal of giving her breast milk for 6 months, I've failed in providing her the best milk she can get, and on top of everything else I feel awful that a part of me wants to stop.  Pumping is a pain in the butt and inconvenient at times when I want to be spending time with her or my husband.  Nursing has been awesome in that she got 4 months of those wonderful antibodies that breast milk supplies, I lost my baby weight in 2 weeks, and it was a bonding time that only her and I experienced. 

So why do I feel so awful about stopping?  Why do I feel like an underachiever for not going 6 months.  Why do I cry about this decision while my husband doesn't see it as a big deal?  He's proud that I went as long as I have, and all I can think about is letting my baby and myself down.  I realize there are worse things in life, but I don't think you can truly understand my emotions behind in unless you've experienced it.  I love my daughter and want what's best for her, so I struggle with this decision.  I hate feeling like this, and I don't know why this is so difficult for me. There's so much pressure to continue, but funny enough the pressure is probably all in my mind.  My family, my husband are so supportive of whatever I want to do, so once again, why do I feel so bad?