Dad Ears

I have to start out by saying that I love my husband and he is an AMAZING father.  He's attentive, changes diapers, helps with feedings, and loves our baby girl.  It's funny though the differences between me and him in our parenting style, which I've come to learn is pretty common between moms and dads.

The first difference is what I call "Dad ears".  I don't know about anybody else, but I seem to hear every little hiccup, whine, coo, or cry that comes out of Alex.  The first week she slept in a bassinet in our room and besides the fact that we were new parents, it seemed every noise she made woke me up.  Even today, I'll be in the kitchen getting dinner ready, and I'll hear a squeal or a cry in the other room even about the stove fan and noise.  My husband, not so much.  It's not that he's not attentive, he just doesn't have that fine tuned hearing :). He calls that hearing, "Mommy radar", which I agree with.  It's like, out of a hundred babies crying, pick yours out.  I guarantee you any good mom could do it in a second!

The best example are at night.  Our bedroom shares a wall with Alex.  I can hear her babbling in the morning, or when she starts to get fussy at night.  She pretty much needs to be screaming in order for Mark to actively wake up.  The occasions he takes the middle of the night feeding, usually I'm the one shaking him saying, "Honey, the baby's crying". I usually get a huh? ok.  There are still the occasional night where I have to let Alex cry it out, and I hate it.  The other night she screamed for an hour until she was literally horse and could barely scream anymore.  We had our loud fan on in the bedroom, and I put in earplugs and I could still hear everything.  I laid in bed feeling horrible the entire hour, not understanding how Mark could sleep through it.  The next morning, Mark was like, "I didn't even know she cried until I read your facebook page." (Note here, he goes to work before I wake up, so we do actually talk :)). Or the other morning, Alex had woken up early and sat in her crib talking for about 10 min then started crying cause she wanted out and was not happy.  I let her cry for another 15 min or so (until 7:30) then got out of bed.  Mark asked, "Is the baby up?" I told him she's been up for almost a half hour.  It still kind of baffles me sometimes.

Mark teaching Alex the Wii at 2 weeks old :)

There's also the difference in his ability to handle her crying.  When she cries, most of the time it breaks my heart and I feel like I HAVE to go to her now.  He seems to tolerate it much easier.  It's not that he likes hearing her cry, but it's not the same physical reaction as I have.  When she gets frustrated I want to makes things easier right away, he wants to let her figure things out for herself more.  I don't know if it's a dad vs mom thing, or simply a me vs him thing.  I tend to be higher strung when it comes to Alex, and he's much more relaxed which I think tends to be very common in most relationships. I think that's why we balance each other out so well.  Our parenting styles may be different, but they are cohesive.

Watching playoff hockey.  It's very serious business

 However, Alex loves her papa and they have their own little relationship.  He's especially playful and makes her giggle a lot.  I get a lot of the loves and cuddles, whereas he gets more of the loud giggles and funny faces.  He can throw her up in air and swing her around and be a dad.  Although I think a lot of the times she's laughing AT him, not necessarily with him :).  They watch sports together, despite Alex being too young to understand what she's watching, but she'll watch TV with him.  He makes funny faces and gets really cute reactions out of her.  Not to mention she still loves to poop for her papa, which I think is hilarious.  I don't love changing a poopy diaper, I mean, who does?  His reaction though is far more animated then mine, which gets endless giggles from the baby.

Hanging on like a little monkey

Fun with Papa

The best part is watching her with her papa.  When he comes home from work, she lights up and gives him big smiles right away.  She turns her head when she hears his voice, and most recently likes having babbly conversations with him.  She is papa's girl, although I think mommy gets a lot of love too!  Each relationship is different, but together we're a happy family!

There's no such thing as a bad hair day

The first thing everybody almost always says when they see Alexis is, "Wow, she has a lot of hair!" Yes, yes she does and that rooster feathering, hair every where, look works for her.  There's that old wives tale that says if you have bad heartburn when you're pregnant your child will have lots of hair, well I did, and she does.  I carried Zantac in my purse and popped them like tic-tacs.  She came out with this full bounty of beautiful dark hair.

Alex after her first bath at home

Alex post bath on 5/3

The only time Alex's hair is quasi tame is right after her bath, like on the right.  That's as tame as it's getting. I think she loses some on that Oomph, but I still think she's precious.

I think her hair reflects her personality most days.  Most of the time, it's a little crazy, kind of loud, super adorable, and very quirky.  I think she got the best of both worlds personally.  What I think I'm most surprised about is how light it seems to be getting, especially now that we're starting to get out in the sun more.  Both Mark and I have very thick hair, and God forbid she gets my husbands indoor outdoor carpet hair as we call it :) (sorry honey).  I'm a little sad since she has that ever so present bald spot on the back of her head.  I know it'll grow back, but for right now I'm thinking of doing the Gene Keady comb-over.

Going a bit bald, but look that the huge wall of hair sticking up

As she gets bigger and it gets longer, it's starting to fall a little bit and lose some of that spiky awesomeness.  I love her hair, and she's a lucky girl that she has these natural auburn highlights in her hair, especially on the tips.  In the peak of summer I'm excited to see how it looks.  I've also discovered bows, ribbons, and flowers.  Poor child.  I'm always putting things in her hair and thankfully at this phase in her life, she's really to little to care.  She's way more interested in putting her hands in her mouth then pulling things out of her hair, although I'm sure that will change sooner than later.

 She has started pulling her hair which has got to hurt since she has a crazy grip.  She's also discovered mommy's hair, which is not all that much fun.  With the weather finally getting nice, we've been spending time outside, but that means hats, which is funny, since she looks like a different kid with a hat on.  For now, I love her crazy never laying down spiky hair.  Eventually it'll get longer and the rooster do will be replaces with piggies and pony tails, if she'll sit long enough to let me.  She's already a mover and a shaker.

Outside enjoying the weather in her little hat

How can you not love this Zoolander look!

Mommy & Me

The first thing people seemed to tell me when I told them I was staying home with Alex was, "Make sure you join a mommy & me group."  Ok, seemed simple enough.  After I had Alex I looked into parenting groups.  Some of them were too intense for me, requiring consistent attendance or you're kicked out.  I looked around and didn't seem to find much.  There was a mommy and me group through Skemp that I thought I'd try.

Alex and her 1st friend Rambo

When I first went Alex was 6 weeks old.  I am not what people would call shy.  However, like most people in a new situation I tend to be quieter than I normally am.  I think I'm a pretty friendly, outgoing person, so I figured this would be fun.  Nope.  I went in, and found a clump of moms surrounding their kids, almost like a mom wall.  Should I breach this wall?  I'd seem pretty rude just budging myself into their tight little circle, but no one else was there yet, so I sat by them and said Hi, I'm Robyn and this is Alexis.  I got a couple of hi's, and then nothing.  Hmmm, ok.  Let's try again.  I asked if they had been coming to the group long?  I got a yup.  Nice.  I sat there listening to Mom A talk about her kid picking out her clothes and how she couldn't get her out of her Christmas pajamas, and Mom B talk about the latest tantrum phase her kid was going through was to flush things down the toilet.  I sat there thinking, I may not have stories to share now, but I'm sure I'll have these type of war stories in a while and I can appreciate them if you'd include me.

As more people came, they segregated into little groups.  Even the newer people who I think hadn't been there before kind of kept to themselves.  Wedging myself in was harder than quantum physics.  You'd think I was smelly or something, which I wasn't because I actually made an effort to take a shower before I went.  Seriously, you know when you have a baby, there are times you don't remember if you brushed your teeth, and have the same shirt on as yesterday.  I made an effort to look like a human being. I went one more time, with it being less successful than the previous time and decided it wasn't for me.

Alex & her cousin Zoey

Alex with Auntie Heather, Cousins Kyra and Fynn

Fast forward to today.  I am not currently part of any group and don't know if I want to be.  I do however want to find friends for my kid, and adult time for me.  I'm in this strange position of most of the people I know either don't have kids and don't plan on it in the immediate future, have kids that are much older than Alex, or live far away.  During medical school we made great friends, but then everyone separates all over the country for residency so poof, most of your friends are at a minimum 200 miles away.  Then comes residency where you meet more fantastic people that you connect with and then once again, poof, everyone graduates and moves away to their new practices.  Every time we move we meet great people only with the down side is people move away.  Yes, we still keep in contact with the people we are closest too, but they don't have kids yet :(

Alex & her "Aunt Kristy" who lives in Milwaukee

I wish our friends all lived close and had kids so they could all grow up together but we're not that lucky.  Alex's cousins are also not far, both around 2 hours away, but not close to get together on a regular basis. Alex though does have a couple of friends and I'm lucky enough to know a couple of people with kids Alex's age.  The problem is finding time since most of the people we know are Mark's collegues, who are residents, and therefore really busy.  I don't know any other stay at home moms with kids her age that live by us, all the women I know have outside jobs.  Needless to say, this is a bit frustrating.  Who knew that this play date thing would be so exclusive.  I feel like I need a special membership to be let in.  A big part of me says, it's their loss, I'm a good person and I think a good friend.  Another part says, why is it SO hard to get these women to simply talk to me?  You'd think being a mom you'd want to be inclusive and help each other out.  Maybe it's this weird competition that happens between women, but sometimes it feels like high school all over again.  You can't be my friend, you're not cool enough!

Alex & her friend Elly, who we don't get to see a lot of

I know things will get easier when Alexis gets a little older.  Right now it's so difficult to do things around her schedule, especially because she takes 3 naps a day, and believe me, missing those naps is not a good idea.  If we do, we have a fussy, cranky, whiny baby to deal with.  She only lasts about a hour and half of awake time before the hamster falls off the wheel, and most of that time involves eating & making dirty diapers.  Right now, being at home is a bit lonely.  Luckily I have Lacey and her in-home daycare to bother for right now.  Alex gets a little overwhelmed with 4 little people who like to cry and put toys in her face, but I think she'll like them when she gets older.  Especially since Lacey's son Ian is one of her many future suitors :).

Alex & Ruby

Until then, Alex and I will hang out and learn this thing together.  Hopefully when she gets older and is more mobile we can do more things and meet more people.  Then it's a whole new set of issues to deal with!

The Bounce Back

I think one of the hardest things to do for most people after having a baby is getting back to pre-baby shape.  I worked out for the first time since having Alex and Oy, all I can say is it was weird to get back into the swing of things.  For one, staying at home with Alex gives me the luxury of having the great time with just her and I.  I also know it's good for us to get out.  Dropping her off at the daycare at the Y was a little nerve wracking for me.

I know all of her little noises, when she's upset or happy.  When she wants to be picked up, or when she's just a little fussy.  How are these people going to know all of that?  Well, they won't, but she'll be fine.  It's hard for me to relinquish control, especially when it comes to the most important thing in my life, but practice makes perfect right?  Today's workout was only 20 min of cardio.  I figured I'd start slowly both physically AND emotionally.

Once again, would you want to leave this face?

I've been EXTREMELY blessed in bouncing back to my pre-baby weight.  Before I continue, those of you who don't know me, didn't know I was the biggest I had ever been before I had Alex.  Last January, Mark and I started working out and I lost 15 lbs, only then to discover I was pregnant, how's that for a ego blow.  However, I ate right, exercised early on during pregnancy and only gained 15 lbs throughout it. The awful morning sickness at the beginning may have aided the slow weight gain as I initially lost more weight, and I really don't want to remember that!

2 weeks after having Alex I was back to my pre-pregnancy body, and month after I had her I was down 2 sizes from before I was pregnant.  I think is was the combination of nursing, sleep deprivation, and not eating.  Not a recommended way to lose the weight by the way, but I guess it was effective at the time.  I was told that I was made to have babies, whatever that means, but I do know how lucky I am.  A lot of women struggle with that, and thankfully being my first I think it was easier, however, now that I am done nursing, it's time to get back to the grind!

I can touch my toes, can you?

Why can't I reach this?

Exercising is obviously a great way to stay healthy and give me more energy with Alex, and although I feel a bit guilty of the "me" time, it's best for the both of us I think.  I have a feeling that there will be many sore days coming up and training my body to work again will be interesting.  I can honestly say that shopping is more fun nowadays.  Fitting in clothes I haven't in probably close to 8 years, is liberating.  Going through my closet and having to buy new clothes since nothing fits, exciting, and a bit expensive.  I still have a lot of work to do, especially with a trip to Aruba in 2 months (I'm not beach ready yet), but I have an excellent motivator in my husband, and the perfect workout aid all wrapped up in a drooling, adorable 13 1/2 lb bundle of baby.

The Elusive Sleep Monster

I would like to talk about sleep.  First of all, I miss it at times.  Don't you remember those lazy Sunday's where you stayed in bed until 9 or 10, you weren't necessarily sleeping, but you could just lie there and not have anything to do or anywhere to go.  Well, that's been replaced by a wake up call of a different caliber.  One that screams when she's ready to get up, whether you were or not.

As lots of you may know we started "sleep training" Alex about a month ago.  Until that time she had been sleeping 1-2 hours at a time, not taking consistent naps, and keeping me up all hours of the night and day.  I was so sleep deprived and stressed out that I was at a breaking point.  My nerves were shot, I looked like the walking dead, and I felt like world was crashing down around me.  Then Mark came home one night when on call saying a nurse he worked with recommended this book "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child."  I can say that book pretty much changed our lives, and the life of our baby!

First of all, what were we doing wrong?  Well, what weren't we doing wrong would probably be a shorter list.  We were putting her to bed too late for one.  We would actually WAKE UP a sleeping baby to feed her at 9:30 - 10 thinking she would sleep later.  WRONG.  You've heard the phrase "Never wake a sleeping baby", well that's good advice.  Alex lost so much weight at the beginning that we were so focused on her feedings and working her sleep schedule around that.  Whoops.  We never thought that we should be working her feeding schedules around her sleep.  She was only sleeping 10-12 hours total a day, which is grossly less than she needs.  Currently she's sleeping around 16 hours a day, which is amazing.

The biggest step we needed to take was to let her cry.  Every time she cried up until that point I would get her.  She was to little to tell us what she wanted and crying was her way.  I don't regret going to her when she cried.  It gave her a sense of security and she needed that.  However, when she got older and this happened at night, well, she had me so well trained.  We started on a Saturday when Mark was home.  We let her cry and hour when we put her down for a nap.  I can tell you not only did I sob, I felt like the worst mother EVER!  She's never going to forgive me, she's going to think I abandoned her, she needs me, were only some of the thoughts on a constant ticker in my mine.  Mark did his best to keep me busy, but my heart was racing, my blood pressure was sky high, and my stress level was topped out.

The next few days felt like a never ending series of letting her cry, and of me sitting down stairs, crying and wondering if I could do this.  There was one night we let her cry 2 hours.  I thought my heart was being physically ripped from my body, my heart was breaking into a million pieces (yes this is a bit dramatic, but that's how I felt), and it took every muscle in my body not to go in there multiple times to reassure her.  A great passage in the book said that when she's crying, all she's telling me is that she's exhausted and needs her sleep.  When I started to look at it that way, it didn't become easy, but it put my mind at ease a bit.  There's something about hearing your own baby cry that makes some biological alarm in you go off, at least if you're a mother.  For some reason, dad's just don't have that same need.

We don't co-sleep & never have.  I personally don't believe in that, although we will occasionally fall asleep on the couch or in the rocking chair in her room.  I only rock her for a couple of min now and putting her down is no longer a dance of jiggling, tip toeing and praying that she doesn't wake up.  It used to take a half hour of fighting her to get her down only to lay her down in the crib and her inevitable crying the second her head hit the mattress and starting all over again.  Shifting, rocking, walking until my arms were sore.  Now we lay her down, put her nook in, pat her stomach for a couple of min and she's out.

After 4 days of torture, she pretty much got it figured out.  She goes down from bed between 6:30 - 7 pm, wakes up for a feeding anywhere from 2-5, and then usually sleeps until 7:30 - 8 am. She typically sleeps 8-10 hours at a shot, which is a million miles from where we were only a month ago.  I feel bad the days that Mark gets home late and at times get's to kiss her on her way up to bed, but we have a much happier healthy child that needs her sleep.  We're still struggling with naps, but I think she may just be a short napper.  However, this brings me to our next little problem, or what I call, the 45-min Wall!  I'll save that for another day another blog as this one is already really long.  Whatever our next step is, all I can say is if it's as tough as this, we'll make it work.

What? It's MY day?

My first Mother's Day weekend came and went.  I must say, I really like the fact that there's a day for this new club that I'm a part of.  It's like this super secret no boys allowed club, and one day out of the year everyone knows it!  I'm in good company with all the Moms out there and those lucky mom-to-be who will soon experience this whirlwind of what I can only compare to the longest marathon ever! I can only say Thank you to my wonderful husband and Alex of course, who made this day extra special.  I'm sure Alex had more to do with it, directing her Papa with her little mind bullets!

My weekend started with Mark taking the middle of the night feedings and letting me sleep in on Sunday.  It was awesome.  I had forgotten what that much sleep was like.  Then I woke up to that darling excited face, so happy to see her Momma.  We had breakfast and then I got to open the gifts that Alex got me, although I think her Papa may have helped a tiny bit.  Alex first wrote me a wonderful letter about the top ten reasons why she loves her mom.  My favorites were #4 You're pretty, #5 You seems to like the gifts I give you in my diaper, Papa doesn't seem to like them like you do, he makes funny faces & #10 You show you love me every day and that makes me the happiest baby ever :)!  I got a notepad with a picture of the two of us, a great T-shirt, an Azalea tree, and a dinner date with just me and her papa, she's so giving!

The Shirt says "Moms, They're better than Dads" :)

Alex with the pretty Azalea tree next to us, and yes Rambo too

The best Mother's Day gift ever

After her nap, we decided to take a walk down at Riverside Park.  It was a bit cloudy, but still pretty nice out.  Alex really enjoyed looking at the river and the barges going down it.  There were lots of families around and it was to see so many people out enjoying the day.

Papa pointing out the barges to Alex

Out at Riverside Park

Tuckered after a long day of pampering Mommy

What I have learned in these few short months as a new mom?  Well, way to many things to write in one single blog, but I will pick a couple of my favorites.  I've learned that I can love something so much that it makes my heart ache.  That I live for those moments that she smiles and giggles at me.  And although there are times that I'm sad, frustrated, angry, exhausted, or depressed, I would do everything all over again for this little peanut.  That being a mom is the most rewarding, difficult and amazing job I will ever have, and even though there are times when I want to throw my hands up, all I have to do is cuddle with her and I feel content and that everything is right in the world.

Four months have flown

Last week I took Alex to her 4 month appointment.  As I'm sitting in the doctors office, it hit me.  Has it already been 4 months since I had her?  It seems like it all just happened.  Mark and I went to dinner, came home, and 6 hours of labor later, little miss Alexis was born.  Yes, I realize I was very lucky for my first to go so quickly.  In any case, I've gotten to reflect all the milestones that have already happened in her short little life and how quickly it seems to be going.

First of all she has formed more and more of a personality.  She's no longer this cute little lump that does nothing but eat, sleep, and poop.  Granted, she doesn't do ALL that much more now, but the times in between are a lot more interesting.  The first thing I remember of course is the first time I got a genuine smile, not that I'm gassy smile.  I know it was genuine because I made a funny face and her little eyes lit up and I got this big toothless grin.

The she started babbling, kicking those chubby little legs and interacting more with us.  Next came the rolling.  1 day before she was 3 months old we were having tummy time.  She rolled from her stomach to her back.  I was so excited I yelped, she cried, and didn't roll over for another 3 weeks.  I guess I scared the roll out of her.  That was probably a bit of a traumatic moment for her :).  Alas, she did begin rolling but from her back to her stomach.  Who knew, she wanted to be more advanced.  Look mom, I don't need to do this falling over and rolling thing, I'm going to do the hard one first!

Alex right after she rolled over, look at me!

Now she's giggling, which is hilarious!  She has the deep belly giggle that makes you laugh every time you hear it.  She's also sleeping 12-13 hours at  night (9-10 hours at a time) most of the time which took lots of work and tears, but more on that later. Her latest "thing" is babbling as she's falling asleep.  In the few minutes I hold her before she goes down for a nap or bed, she lays there with her nook in her mouth, sleepily babbling to her hearts content  She is a finger sucker and puts any toys, appendages and anything else she can get her grabby little paws on in her mouth.  Her favorite being her feet followed by a close second as many fingers and she can shove in her mouth as possible, I think she's done 8.

Just a couple of days ago we got her an exer-saucer and it took all of 10 min for her to figure it out and love it.  Now she's a jumping bean and goes crazy in that thing.  I'm just happy because I got it at Once Upon a Child for almost half the price of what they go for in great condition.  Only one sad flower on it doesn't stay up anymore, but she doesn't care, and in fact it's one of her favorite things to hold on to.  It lights up and plays music every time she bounces.  She's still a bit small so we have a pillow under her feet because otherwise they wouldn't touch the ground.  I have a small glimpse into the future with this one.  I have a sneaking suspicion that she's going to be an active one.  I can see her running before ever crawling, jumping on and off everything, and using those little legs to get into mischief.  It all started in the belly when I would literally watch her do somersaults in my stomach and the constant kicking, oy!  I never had to worry about decreased fetal movement.  I think at one point I was hoping for a hour where she wasn't playing soccer with my insides.

Fast forward to today.  She is a hearty 13.4 oz, and 24 1/2 inches.  She's pretty much average in all stats.  38% for weight, 50% for height, and 49% for her head (here's hoping she doesn't get Mark's giant head, because she WOULD look like a bobble head :)) She is a happy, healthy and opinionated little girl.  Who knew something so little could be so vocal and believe me, she lets you know what she wants. She's a talker, like her mama, a potential lefty, like her papa, and a wonderful combination of both of us.  I love seeing more of us in her every day, and am trying to enjoy this whirlwind of babyhood because I know it ends all too soon!

Bottle Vs. Boob

In full disclosure, this post may be a TMI post for some people.  I made myself a promise that when I wrote, I'd write things that were important to me even if they were an "over share" if you will.  Ok, enough of the disclaimer.

When I had Alex I had this grand design to Breastfeed her until she was 6 months old.  I've never really failed at anything I've put my mind to, and I'm used to getting what I want, so why would this be any different?  She came 2 days before Christmas and I was ready to nurse.  The first couple of days went well I thought.  She got the good stuff and then my milk came in and there were difficulties. In the first four days Alex lost 1 lb!  When my milk came in she wasn't eating, she wouldn't latch and we were both frustrated.  I went to the lactation specialist and she gave me a nipple shield.  That worked but Alex would not nurse without it.  The next 14 weeks were a bit of a struggle, but I hung through, telling myself not doing so would be failing.

My Beautiful Pre-Christmas baby

At around 3 months, she went through yet another growth spurt and I could not keep up.  Nursing, pumping nothing was enough, so I very reluctantly gave in and we started supplementing with formula.  The first time I cried.  I thought that I was a failure. I thought, why can't I do it, there are millions of women before me that have, why am I not enough.  My loving husband did his best to re-assure me and support me, but as a man, he doesn't understand that bond and emotion I was feeling.  Slowly over the next month we started introducing more and more formula into her diet, until she was 4 months old and getting 3 bottles of formula and nursing once a day, and getting a bottle of breast milk.  Although tough for me, she continues to thrive, be a healthy and ever so happy baby.

Love that drool milk face :)

Then she began to stop nursing.  She is a hungry little heifer when she eats and if it's not coming out fast she's not happy.  I began pumping and now she's only eating 1 bottle of breast milk a day and 3 of formula.  Now I've hit another crossroads.  My supply is hardly there anymore since I'm only pumping in the morning and night, and she's no longer nursing.  I looked at Mark tonight and said "Do you think we should wean her completely?" He said, "It's up to you, but at this point, like you said, she's pretty much already weaned." This is where I get emotional and feel bad.  I feel like if we go only to formula, once again, I've failed.  I've failed to meet my goal of giving her breast milk for 6 months, I've failed in providing her the best milk she can get, and on top of everything else I feel awful that a part of me wants to stop.  Pumping is a pain in the butt and inconvenient at times when I want to be spending time with her or my husband.  Nursing has been awesome in that she got 4 months of those wonderful antibodies that breast milk supplies, I lost my baby weight in 2 weeks, and it was a bonding time that only her and I experienced. 

So why do I feel so awful about stopping?  Why do I feel like an underachiever for not going 6 months.  Why do I cry about this decision while my husband doesn't see it as a big deal?  He's proud that I went as long as I have, and all I can think about is letting my baby and myself down.  I realize there are worse things in life, but I don't think you can truly understand my emotions behind in unless you've experienced it.  I love my daughter and want what's best for her, so I struggle with this decision.  I hate feeling like this, and I don't know why this is so difficult for me. There's so much pressure to continue, but funny enough the pressure is probably all in my mind.  My family, my husband are so supportive of whatever I want to do, so once again, why do I feel so bad?